Have you ever felt that you were frozen couldn't take a step, couldn't move at all like the whole world is pining you down, like this huge weight on your shoulders that is crushing your lungs, you're breathing but no air! No matter what you say or do you still feel it there. You're locked with chains.... Is it gravity?! No, it isn't its much more powerful, much stronger, drain your energy takes away all your strength till you're fragile!
If you know what am talking about because you've experienced it or are experiencing it let me tell you that sensation isn't how your supposed to bare your normal daily tasks with! it isn't Hold on!! I am sorry I dunno what am talking about am just expressing how I am feeling now, reaching out to anyone who is feeling the same way just know that someone else does, I have no idea whats going on not a clue…
I am usually strong always have always will be inshallah, I can't move one step without planing my life ahead I hate not knowing whats going to happen in 7 hours not to mention 7 years, What happens when you have been planing for something great to happen to your life, calculated every move, every day had everything planned out not one plan with a lot of plans full with all the possibilities that life might throw at you! Its a kind of tactic you believe is rock-strong, so sure of it that you don't have the choice of what it if didn't happen and after 3 years of planing and hard work you get hit on the face with" Unfortunately your acceptance from the University Of Cambridge has been withdrawn we wish you luck in all your other applications" The reason was me ? was it the people around me? you ask yourself questions blame and self-loathe for days thats after you passed the denial stage its all over you the feelings the confusion, you've been hit hard real hard.
Its 03:31 am here and all you can hear is click..click..click as my fingers hit the keyboard uncontrollably because my head won't stop spinning, popping these crazy ideas like I am in a manic roller coaster, I can't help it every thing is bursting i passed the denial numbing stage while I was going to the dentist today in the car it just hit me I've lost everything I've ever wanted, What am I going to tell myself when times get hard, when I can't accept the fact am staying here not persuading my dream! I'd always tell myself its ok I have 2 months left it was always a countdown all my life was a count down, to my one way ticket out to my dream… How and what am I supposed to tell myself now I've never wanted something so much! It was freedom it was it all!
I dunno how to end this cause this story doesn't have an end I am trying to smile and convince myself this is the right thing to do and just to be patient because when you fall you stand right back up and work harder then you ever did. but I am still looking for my motivation for the strength I need to get back up! I will and ill get there it might take me a while but am not letting it go..next time I will be prepared, next time I'll stand stronger..
No comments:
Post a Comment