Have you ever felt that you were frozen couldn't take a step, couldn't move at all like the whole world is pining you down, like this huge weight on your shoulders that is crushing your lungs, you're breathing but no air! No matter what you say or do you still feel it there. You're locked with chains.... Is it gravity?! No, it isn't its much more powerful, much stronger, drain your energy takes away all your strength till you're fragile!
If you know what am talking about because you've experienced it or are experiencing it let me tell you that sensation isn't how your supposed to bare your normal daily tasks with! it isn't Hold on!! I am sorry I dunno what am talking about am just expressing how I am feeling now, reaching out to anyone who is feeling the same way just know that someone else does, I have no idea whats going on not a clue…
I am usually strong always have always will be inshallah, I can't move one step without planing my life ahead I hate not knowing whats going to happen in 7 hours not to mention 7 years, What happens when you have been planing for something great to happen to your life, calculated every move, every day had everything planned out not one plan with a lot of plans full with all the possibilities that life might throw at you! Its a kind of tactic you believe is rock-strong, so sure of it that you don't have the choice of what it if didn't happen and after 3 years of planing and hard work you get hit on the face with" Unfortunately your acceptance from the University Of Cambridge has been withdrawn we wish you luck in all your other applications" The reason was me ? was it the people around me? you ask yourself questions blame and self-loathe for days thats after you passed the denial stage its all over you the feelings the confusion, you've been hit hard real hard.
Its 03:31 am here and all you can hear is click..click..click as my fingers hit the keyboard uncontrollably because my head won't stop spinning, popping these crazy ideas like I am in a manic roller coaster, I can't help it every thing is bursting i passed the denial numbing stage while I was going to the dentist today in the car it just hit me I've lost everything I've ever wanted, What am I going to tell myself when times get hard, when I can't accept the fact am staying here not persuading my dream! I'd always tell myself its ok I have 2 months left it was always a countdown all my life was a count down, to my one way ticket out to my dream… How and what am I supposed to tell myself now I've never wanted something so much! It was freedom it was it all!
I dunno how to end this cause this story doesn't have an end I am trying to smile and convince myself this is the right thing to do and just to be patient because when you fall you stand right back up and work harder then you ever did. but I am still looking for my motivation for the strength I need to get back up! I will and ill get there it might take me a while but am not letting it go..next time I will be prepared, next time I'll stand stronger..
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Who am I ?
She woke up one morning and looked around her she wasn't familiar with that room, the bed felt cosy a coziness that she related too, but felt detached, she put her feet down on the cold floor, just looking at the lines on her feet you can figure out she has been lingering for a long time in this life. She got the strength to force herself up though her knees begged her to sit again, the pain was unbearable, but she's a fighter, never knew what resting felt like. Gathering herself up started looking around trying to remember how she ended up there, she's thinking hard, but no…..nothing comes up, she sees a little blue door she drags her tiny feet one step at a time she keeps telling herself one step more she finally gets to the door, opens it, looks around again she can't remember this place "hello, hello is there anyone around" she keeps walking opening doors looking if there is anyone out there, keeps calling again. " till the echo is silenced by a response "There you are, I've been looking all around for you"the nice smiling lady in white says. Her eyes remind me of my husband she thinks'. "excuse me, may you help me please, do you know where my husband is?" the lady in white smiles but it's clear she's hiding her tears, this is not the first time she has heard this question, in fact, all these questions seemed like they were on a broken record, as she says his been dead for over 20 years now! "No you're lying, that's not possible she says, when did this happen, and who are you, what am I doing here?" so many unanswered questions. Opening her mouth but no words are coming out she mumbles something that wasn't clear. A silent moment! the grey haired old woman's face was covered with wrinkles, all these lines proved how harsh life is, she finally spoke up "Mom its me your daughter"! she says gently "No darling you must have confused me with someone else I don't have kids" the old lady said. heart-broken she knew exactly that she has to agree with her, she couldn't possibly convince her, how could she remind her of 60 years worth of memories, it wasn't worth it, she was going to forget and ask the same questions 20 minutes later, its like she's frozen in time but only everyday it's getting worse and worse…..
This is how the begging of my grandma's day begins, she isn't able to remember anything anymore, that's what Alzheimer's diseases does to it's victims, it gets worse every day, nothing is the same anymore, it changes not only it's victims lives, but their families and loved ones it's a path a sick person has to go through, no exceptions and no medications can save them, it only pushes back the time they have to go through it, but no matter if it's a month, a year or 3 years it's a pain they must go through no escape! everything changes, they can't remember anything, their personalties change, nothings the same anymore putting her head on the pillow she's scared of tomorrow no one knows what might happen...
Simple tasks are no longer easy for her, we vist as much as we can, but every time I see her she's not the same person I saw the last time, thats not my grandma they say she's entering the last phase the worse of them all, I knew she's a though warrior she made it throught them all, but though no one says it out loud every one knows that a battle agains Alzheimer's is not like a battle against cancer, or most of other fatal diseases there isn't hope everyone knows how these things (Its hard for me to write it down)…..end up! I missed talking to her like before, we all miss her it's like she's there and at the same times she isn't, it's hard she's allways searching, searching for answers, for her lost soul, for all her questions are mysteries she keeps looking in her mind again and again but nothing, blank total blank, do you know how frustrating it is having to constantly forget the name of someone or something, it's there somewhere in the back of your mind on the tip of your tongue, but you can't get it out, imagine how would that feel, if it's something you had to deal with everyday, hard enough as it is it's not a something or a random someone's name it's their beloved's names!
You know, people get frustrated because their loved ones who have Alzheimer's, oh, he doesn't recognize me anymore, how can I recognize this person, if they don't recognize me? They're not the same person, well, they are the same person, but they've got a brain disease. And it's not their fault they've got this disease. Alzheimer's diseases steals more than just memories.....
Thank god my grandma is well loved between her family but it hurts me deeply thinking of other people with this disease not blessed with understanding families!
This is how the begging of my grandma's day begins, she isn't able to remember anything anymore, that's what Alzheimer's diseases does to it's victims, it gets worse every day, nothing is the same anymore, it changes not only it's victims lives, but their families and loved ones it's a path a sick person has to go through, no exceptions and no medications can save them, it only pushes back the time they have to go through it, but no matter if it's a month, a year or 3 years it's a pain they must go through no escape! everything changes, they can't remember anything, their personalties change, nothings the same anymore putting her head on the pillow she's scared of tomorrow no one knows what might happen...
Simple tasks are no longer easy for her, we vist as much as we can, but every time I see her she's not the same person I saw the last time, thats not my grandma they say she's entering the last phase the worse of them all, I knew she's a though warrior she made it throught them all, but though no one says it out loud every one knows that a battle agains Alzheimer's is not like a battle against cancer, or most of other fatal diseases there isn't hope everyone knows how these things (Its hard for me to write it down)…..end up! I missed talking to her like before, we all miss her it's like she's there and at the same times she isn't, it's hard she's allways searching, searching for answers, for her lost soul, for all her questions are mysteries she keeps looking in her mind again and again but nothing, blank total blank, do you know how frustrating it is having to constantly forget the name of someone or something, it's there somewhere in the back of your mind on the tip of your tongue, but you can't get it out, imagine how would that feel, if it's something you had to deal with everyday, hard enough as it is it's not a something or a random someone's name it's their beloved's names!
You know, people get frustrated because their loved ones who have Alzheimer's, oh, he doesn't recognize me anymore, how can I recognize this person, if they don't recognize me? They're not the same person, well, they are the same person, but they've got a brain disease. And it's not their fault they've got this disease. Alzheimer's diseases steals more than just memories.....
Thank god my grandma is well loved between her family but it hurts me deeply thinking of other people with this disease not blessed with understanding families!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Every 3 seconds....
Every 3 seconds Apple sells one of its products around the world...
Every 3 seconds a cigarette is lit...
Every 3 seconds a baby is born.....
Every 3 seconds an identiy is stolen.....
Every 3 seconds a child dies from hunger!
How could all this happen in one world, in one planet.. How is it possible that kids in african 3rd world countries are all dying due to the lack of FOOD! while we throw excess food in the garbage. How are we able to sleep at night full knowing that half across the globe a little kid is dying at that particular moment of starvation. How could we all sit in a table having second servings while a tortured mother has the hardest decision, by choosing "one" of her pleading kids with food only one tonight gets a small piece of a mud cookie.
For all of you wondering whats a mud cookie well here are the ingredients: Mud, shortening and salt!!
When I first heard it I was shocked!! here is a video showing how in haiti which is the poorest island in the west! you can find more information in this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqAF9K39PXw so for Muslim's now is the best time to be thankful and appreciate what we got for now is the holy month of Ramadan, other than a worship for God I believe God wanted us to walk in other people's shoes, the torn old worn out shoes of the poor and the needy, to feel other people's pain of hunger and thirst, it makes us appreciate what we got and defiantly be more compassionate and humble next time someone asks you to spare some change.
"It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish" -Mother Teresa-
Every 3 seconds a cigarette is lit...
Every 3 seconds a baby is born.....
Every 3 seconds an identiy is stolen.....
Every 3 seconds a child dies from hunger!
How could all this happen in one world, in one planet.. How is it possible that kids in african 3rd world countries are all dying due to the lack of FOOD! while we throw excess food in the garbage. How are we able to sleep at night full knowing that half across the globe a little kid is dying at that particular moment of starvation. How could we all sit in a table having second servings while a tortured mother has the hardest decision, by choosing "one" of her pleading kids with food only one tonight gets a small piece of a mud cookie.
For all of you wondering whats a mud cookie well here are the ingredients: Mud, shortening and salt!!
When I first heard it I was shocked!! here is a video showing how in haiti which is the poorest island in the west! you can find more information in this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqAF9K39PXw so for Muslim's now is the best time to be thankful and appreciate what we got for now is the holy month of Ramadan, other than a worship for God I believe God wanted us to walk in other people's shoes, the torn old worn out shoes of the poor and the needy, to feel other people's pain of hunger and thirst, it makes us appreciate what we got and defiantly be more compassionate and humble next time someone asks you to spare some change.
"It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish" -Mother Teresa-
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The Beginning
The point of time or space at which anything begins is The Beginning.
Sometimes figuring out things in life causes us to go to the beginning, the beginning where it all started, where things were falling apart, where communication vanished, where your voice is locked in a box,where it all started going downhill, where everything seems wrong. Thats when we isolate ourselves and start playing everything back all over again, like a little rewind button in our heads, finding that exact moment where it all came caving in. The turning point !
We all heard of great journeys taken up by people leaving their families, work, friends and everything that ever mattered behind just to go to far lands in search of gurus or old scholars that have the key to every problem, a cure to every hurt soul whether it's happiness, fame, money whatever you're looking for and the moment you get there……The first thing you will be told is you've deviated from the right path look at the minute in time where it all started… look for The Beginning..
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.” thus if you have reached an end, be sure a new beginning will start, you may be a little bruised or covered with scars, but what you have is much valuable, your Lesson is learned and now you can only move forward in your path, knowing that this time your mistakes won't be repeated because the only mistake you can do along the road to truth, is not going all the way and not finsihing it.
So know, that from small beginings comes great things and whether you're making your first step, or your last, good luck in your path, may you find what you need, may you discover your limits.
“So many fail because they don't get started - they don't go. They don't overcome inertia. They don't begin.”
-W. Clement Stone
Sometimes figuring out things in life causes us to go to the beginning, the beginning where it all started, where things were falling apart, where communication vanished, where your voice is locked in a box,where it all started going downhill, where everything seems wrong. Thats when we isolate ourselves and start playing everything back all over again, like a little rewind button in our heads, finding that exact moment where it all came caving in. The turning point !
We all heard of great journeys taken up by people leaving their families, work, friends and everything that ever mattered behind just to go to far lands in search of gurus or old scholars that have the key to every problem, a cure to every hurt soul whether it's happiness, fame, money whatever you're looking for and the moment you get there……The first thing you will be told is you've deviated from the right path look at the minute in time where it all started… look for The Beginning..
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.” thus if you have reached an end, be sure a new beginning will start, you may be a little bruised or covered with scars, but what you have is much valuable, your Lesson is learned and now you can only move forward in your path, knowing that this time your mistakes won't be repeated because the only mistake you can do along the road to truth, is not going all the way and not finsihing it.
So know, that from small beginings comes great things and whether you're making your first step, or your last, good luck in your path, may you find what you need, may you discover your limits.
“So many fail because they don't get started - they don't go. They don't overcome inertia. They don't begin.”
-W. Clement Stone
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