Overwhelmed

     Finally its second year I've been waiting for this forever, Medicine is everything I ever wanted, ever needed, couldn't imagine my life doing anything but helping other people. I love it, I love every piece of it, It inspires me to become a better human in every way and I owe it to my future patients to be the best I can! Studying hard I don't wana miss a thing...



      Going to Jarir was smooth, knew my way up to the medical books it was easy, too easy whenever I went there I used to go to that section sit on the floor and just be in complete awe with every detail with every precise curve in a bone or every beautiful process that happened from within us, Its planned out everything, exact place, exact timing no mistakes NO WAY for a mistake something astonishingly complex yet "Perfect" had to be created by something greater than all us, a Higher power by "Allah"

        After careful planning and asking around I knew exactly what books I needed, what books will beautifully be arranged in my Antique brown shelves, that I plan on owning, for something so prestigious shouldn't just be thrown around, I had to arrange them proudly for they carry great knowledge. I took my book waited in line patiently paid and left.

      Going home I had to open the books I felt like a little child eager to open their gifts on Christmas morning, I inhaled the sweet smell of new paper, of the fresh ink, I smelled Knowledge before the books picked up my rooms scent and I couldn't differentiate it anymore and as I was going thru them It all happened…..my"first" Panic Attack!!!

      I didn't know what was going on, all I felt was a sense of unexplained chill down my spine I was pacing all around the room salty drops of water falling on the sides of my face uncontrollably like someone threw a tear bomb in the middle of my room, I wasn't ready, I wasn't prepared for this, I guess no one really is prepared for such episodes thats why they call it an attack. I felt like I couldn't do this that I was a failure, that this is overwhelming I couldn't stop, I couldn't breathe called everyone I could think of at that time no response, It was prayer time and I breathed in deeply without a thought and the timing was perfect, everything was calculated and most importantly I was calmed not instantly but it helped. It helped me stop thinking of quitting medical school for a while for a moment so that I can write this, it helped me and I'm grateful..

   I want to sleep and wake up and hope this was all a night mare cause If I lose medicine I have lost everything I built everything I worked for I would loose my Identity I would loose me! I hope I wake up to the optimistic motivated person I was, I never thought I would feel this way and I never wanted to write such an intimate blog to me... They say you can't quit before trying and I won't wanna prove them wrong!