Hideous battle, in it's worst form.

      Throughout history we've witnessed and heard of how rage and anger can be transformed into wars, blood, pain, loss and destruction.. Millions of lives were lost, kids orphaned, homes turned into remains of bricks, sand and broken memories.

Dictators, guns, bombs are all weapons, methods to let that frustration within them let go..


But history never told us what was the world's greatest battles, maybe words were never fit enough to explain how their victims felt, maybe it was due to the fact that we humans never understand what we never feel, maybe it was due to the fact that the only witness to the hideous crime was the victim himself, maybe he was so in pain he never quite had the energy to try and explain it…


Inner-Battles, They are the worst kind.


Not knowing which side you belong to, it's constant, never ending it's painful and it's unpredictable..
One day you know exactly how this world works and exactly what you need and in a second a tornado hits picking up every thing it touches or it's resulting wind and energy radiates, kills everything, mutates what once was familiar and suddenly you no longer understand where it came from? how it happened? or when? it's quick, it's delusional and it had the ability to tear open the gaps that you've tried filling in.



You beg it to settle but it feeds of of your vulnerability. It knows it's winning and it knows you're helpless. So the world's greatest wars aren't written in history. They're buried with their victims, with no one to tell the tale...Forever lost. Forever hidden.

Edge of Desire

      What's marvelous about life is how a second could change your state, your thinking, your attitude and most importantly you..

 We all spend our lives in search of something, we might know what it is and we might not. The search is endless it's constant and never ending it drains us from within every speck every drop of energy left in our reservoir from a fuel that cannot be regenerated or pumped back, except by being near to God somehow finding the right path, the path that's closest to him feels great! Almost over-whelming for our fragile bodies and souls to bear.

I want to spend the time I have left doing something great, I miss being passionate somehow our dreams size-down as we grow older, they're not as magical as they used to be when we were kids.
As a kid I felt that I'd change the world, I knew I'd be something great, that my soul would heal every broken vessel and fill every empty stomach and satisfy every pure intention out there. Earth was my backyard and I lived in a galaxy bigger than ours.


Looking back I'm saddened to say that I need to keep reminding myself that there is hope, that good exists and that even where I live I still can do something even if it's small it is a change a beautiful change, we are all misunderstood I wanna die doing something that I believe in I'm no longer waiting.
I decided to take a step back, observe, prioritize and ACHIEVE greatness again!!

Overwhelmed

     Finally its second year I've been waiting for this forever, Medicine is everything I ever wanted, ever needed, couldn't imagine my life doing anything but helping other people. I love it, I love every piece of it, It inspires me to become a better human in every way and I owe it to my future patients to be the best I can! Studying hard I don't wana miss a thing...



      Going to Jarir was smooth, knew my way up to the medical books it was easy, too easy whenever I went there I used to go to that section sit on the floor and just be in complete awe with every detail with every precise curve in a bone or every beautiful process that happened from within us, Its planned out everything, exact place, exact timing no mistakes NO WAY for a mistake something astonishingly complex yet "Perfect" had to be created by something greater than all us, a Higher power by "Allah"

        After careful planning and asking around I knew exactly what books I needed, what books will beautifully be arranged in my Antique brown shelves, that I plan on owning, for something so prestigious shouldn't just be thrown around, I had to arrange them proudly for they carry great knowledge. I took my book waited in line patiently paid and left.

      Going home I had to open the books I felt like a little child eager to open their gifts on Christmas morning, I inhaled the sweet smell of new paper, of the fresh ink, I smelled Knowledge before the books picked up my rooms scent and I couldn't differentiate it anymore and as I was going thru them It all happened…..my"first" Panic Attack!!!

      I didn't know what was going on, all I felt was a sense of unexplained chill down my spine I was pacing all around the room salty drops of water falling on the sides of my face uncontrollably like someone threw a tear bomb in the middle of my room, I wasn't ready, I wasn't prepared for this, I guess no one really is prepared for such episodes thats why they call it an attack. I felt like I couldn't do this that I was a failure, that this is overwhelming I couldn't stop, I couldn't breathe called everyone I could think of at that time no response, It was prayer time and I breathed in deeply without a thought and the timing was perfect, everything was calculated and most importantly I was calmed not instantly but it helped. It helped me stop thinking of quitting medical school for a while for a moment so that I can write this, it helped me and I'm grateful..

   I want to sleep and wake up and hope this was all a night mare cause If I lose medicine I have lost everything I built everything I worked for I would loose my Identity I would loose me! I hope I wake up to the optimistic motivated person I was, I never thought I would feel this way and I never wanted to write such an intimate blog to me... They say you can't quit before trying and I won't wanna prove them wrong!

The biggest battle in life...

 Every success story heard starts with a person over coming himself. How?! you ask yourself well heres how.... It's you thats holding yourself back no one but you, you choose to listen to people around, you and no one but you that locked your soul up in the small little "transparent" box created by society, rules, expectations of people who if really loved you they would unlock your creativity let you truly peruse what you want in life help you to understand how to love yourself and others, instead of thinking how you won't fit or how in our society you would be judged.

  People in our community (earth) don't take the time to think how would I feel if I were in her shoes, they critisize without thinking how much there words has impact on the person, they cruelly made up their minds on, what they don't see is how they themselves aren't perfect, actually far from that, miles and miles, for perfection is only for the creator, now that this has been said and cleared out the way! I bet each and everyone reading this has someone in mind, what you haven't noticed is that you're exactly the type of person I am talking about, whether you agree or not, you are, for you are human, full of flaws made out of mud, you have been upgraded from the most simplest most abundant matter to the most prestigious most complex of creations made by god, and we walk like its simply our right, like we deserve it instead of being thankful for every breath, for every single heartbeat.

   So the next time your about to jokingly critique someone think, and remember karma! okay I drifted off going back…tears don't make things better it only makes things worse, I don't care what you have to do, stick your head outside the window and breathe, jump on your bed, eat ice-cream and sushi for breakfast, sit with old people, listen to them talk about their lives you may think it's boring but I guarantee you their stories are inspiring, funny and amusing. Compare where you are and where you wanna be, do what you love, get ideas and work on them, regardless what people say, they say everyone is different, I thought how could 7 billion differences exist, something a brain couldn't process, but then again a fingerprint is not the same, if something so small, so simple, just lines chose to curve the way they desire, why can't we, imagine the possibilities of our brains WE ARE DIFFERENT no matter where you are you can make a difference not necessary to the world at least in someones life better yet in your life so get up leave your device, stop reading believe in yourself and go out looking for what inspires you, what makes you creative, what makes you HAPPY!! for that is what the world needs, more people that follow their passions and dreams, it's all that matters and similar people will follow cause they will be attracted to your flame to your energy…


So the only thing holding you back is You, it's a huge battle to fight yourself but if others overcame it so can we.

Open your heart

         I know I haven't blogged in a really long time, but I was trying to adjust to the new idea of embracing change, let me tell you one thing It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but am glad cause even though I haven't fully recovered but am doing "MUCH" better! I was shocked of how that bad feeling of the fear of non acceptance is slowly dissolving away, see the truth is I entered through the phase of change with a blocked heart, mind and soul it felt like I was made of stone I hated me being like that. Advice: where ever you're gonna go in life people who don't know you are going to judge you and in the environment where I live in I was a complete outsider, my views about the world was from a different prespective from theirs! It felt like I was from a different galaxy!

          I met someone wise along the way well they didn't pretend to be wise, on the contrary she was that type of person that you keep promising yourself you would end up like every time your ideas were shutdown because you were from the young generation that you weren't old enough to speak up your mind, She listened and she listened carefully she believed that the youth are the hope for the new generation, I told her how I felt, she smiled and said something I won't forget she said " Bayan, open your heart" just these few words nothing more, but it hit me I've been so ignorant I did the same stupid mistake that is the source of world wars, dysfunctional families, and lack of mercy in people's hearts have you ever stopped and wondered why things get so complicated? why don't they ever work out? Its simple! People never "Listen" I'm not talking about simply keeping your ears open and hearing I am talking about actually listening to every word, sinking it into your brain and most importantly understanding where this is all coming from, walk a virtual mile in the other persons shoes….
feel their pain, understand where these words are coming from...    
        
    So I woke up the next morning with a new attitude, with a heartfelt smile and an open heart and I realized I've been missing out on a lot, I met great people! And spent the rest of the days laughing. Change is inevitable it's growing under my skin , It's you that choose's to make the process a nightmare or an unforgettable beautiful memory, It's my little world and I control the settings! So happy mood ON!

Get back up...

    Have you ever felt that you were frozen couldn't take a step, couldn't move at all like the whole world is pining you down, like this huge weight on your shoulders that is crushing your lungs, you're breathing but no air! No matter what you say or do you still feel it there. You're locked with chains.... Is it gravity?! No, it isn't its much more powerful, much stronger, drain your energy takes away all your strength till you're fragile!

    If you know what am talking about because you've experienced it or are experiencing it let me tell you that sensation isn't how your supposed to bare your normal daily tasks with! it isn't Hold on!! I am sorry I dunno what am talking about am just expressing how I am feeling now, reaching out to anyone who is feeling the same way just know that someone else does, I have no idea whats going on not a clue…


    I am usually strong always have always will be inshallah, I can't move one step without planing my life ahead I hate not knowing whats going to happen in 7 hours not to mention 7 years, What happens when you have been planing for something great to happen to your life, calculated every move, every day had everything planned out not one plan with a lot of plans full with all the possibilities that life might throw at you! Its a kind of tactic you believe is rock-strong, so sure of it that you don't have the choice of what it if didn't happen and after 3 years of planing and hard work you get hit on the face with" Unfortunately your acceptance from the University Of Cambridge has been withdrawn we wish you luck in all your other applications" The reason was me ? was it the people around me? you ask yourself questions blame and self-loathe for days thats after you passed the denial stage its all over you the feelings the confusion, you've been hit hard real hard.

     Its 03:31 am here and all you can hear is click..click..click as my fingers hit the keyboard uncontrollably because my head won't stop spinning, popping these crazy ideas like I am in a manic roller coaster, I can't help it every thing is bursting i passed the denial numbing stage while I was going to the dentist today in the car it just hit me I've lost everything I've ever wanted, What am I going to tell myself when times get hard, when I can't accept the fact am staying here not persuading my dream! I'd always tell myself its ok I have 2 months left it was always a countdown all my life was a count down, to my one way ticket out to my dream… How and what am I supposed to tell myself now I've never wanted something so much! It was freedom it was it all!

      I dunno how to end this cause this story doesn't have an end I am trying to smile and convince myself this is the right thing to do and just to be patient because when you fall you stand right back up and work harder then you ever did. but I am still looking for my motivation for the strength I need to get back up! I will and ill get there it might take me a while but am not letting it go..next time I will be prepared, next time I'll stand stronger..

Who am I ?

       She woke up one morning and looked around her she wasn't familiar with that room, the bed felt cosy a coziness that she related too, but felt detached, she put her feet down on the cold floor, just looking at the lines on her feet you can figure out she has been lingering for a long time in this life. She got the strength to force herself up though her knees begged her to sit again, the pain was unbearable, but she's a fighter, never knew what resting felt like. Gathering herself up started looking around trying to remember how she ended up there, she's thinking hard, but no…..nothing comes up, she sees a little blue door she drags her tiny feet one step at a time she keeps telling herself one step more she finally gets to the door, opens it, looks around again she can't remember this place "hello, hello is there anyone around" she keeps walking opening doors looking if there is anyone out there, keeps calling again. " till the echo is silenced by a response "There you are, I've been looking all around for you"the nice smiling lady in white says. Her eyes remind me of my husband she thinks'. "excuse me, may you help me please, do you know where my husband is?"  the lady in white smiles but it's clear she's hiding her tears, this is not the first time she has heard this question, in fact, all these questions seemed like they were on a broken record, as she says his been dead for over 20 years now! "No you're lying, that's not possible she says, when did this happen, and who are you, what am I doing here?" so many unanswered questions. Opening her mouth but no words are coming out she mumbles something that wasn't clear. A silent moment! the grey haired old woman's face was covered with wrinkles,  all these lines proved how harsh life is, she finally spoke up "Mom its me your daughter"! she says gently "No darling you must have confused me with someone else I don't have kids" the old lady said. heart-broken she knew exactly that she has to agree with her, she couldn't possibly convince her, how could she remind her of 60 years worth of memories, it wasn't worth it, she was going to forget and ask the same questions 20 minutes later, its like she's frozen in time but only everyday it's getting worse and worse…..

    This is how the begging of my grandma's day begins, she isn't able to remember anything anymore, that's what Alzheimer's diseases does to it's victims, it gets worse every day, nothing is the same anymore, it changes not only it's victims lives, but their families and loved ones it's a path a sick person has to go through, no exceptions and no medications can save them, it only pushes back the time they have to go through it, but no matter if it's a month, a year or 3 years it's a pain they must go through no escape! everything changes, they can't remember anything, their personalties change, nothings the same anymore putting her head on the pillow she's scared of tomorrow no one knows what might happen...
        
      Simple tasks are no longer easy for her, we vist as much as we can, but every time I see her she's not the same person I saw the last time, thats not my grandma they say she's entering the last phase the worse of them all, I knew she's a though warrior she made it throught them all, but though no one says it out loud every one knows that a battle agains Alzheimer's is not like a battle against cancer, or most of other fatal diseases there isn't hope everyone knows how these things (Its hard for me to write it down)…..end up!  I missed talking to her like before, we all miss her it's like she's there and at the same times she isn't, it's hard she's allways searching, searching for answers, for her lost soul, for all her questions are mysteries she keeps looking in her mind again and again but nothing, blank total blank, do you know how frustrating it is having to constantly forget the name of someone or something, it's there somewhere in the back of your mind on the tip of your tongue, but you can't get it out, imagine how would that feel, if it's something you had to deal with everyday, hard enough as it is it's not a something or a random someone's name it's their beloved's names!

    You know, people get frustrated because their loved ones who have Alzheimer's, oh, he doesn't recognize me anymore, how can I recognize this person, if they don't recognize me? They're not the same person, well, they are the same person, but they've got a brain disease. And it's not their fault they've got this disease. Alzheimer's diseases steals more than just memories.....


   Thank god my grandma is well loved between her family but it hurts me deeply thinking of other people with this disease not blessed with understanding families!